Thursday, December 17, 2015

Painting away the ego: an Icon case study of Kateri Tekakwitha


This semester I took English 961A. It was an accelerated course combing the pre-req and college composition classes. My instructor told me that the CCSF placements are harder than most community colleges use and that I probably should have just taken English 1A. However, the practice and review  this semester has proved to be fruitful. Instead of doing a traditional research paper, I opted to do a creative project for my final paper. The driving question of this class was "How does pyschology effect our environment?" For this project, I wrote an Icon of St. Kateri Tekakwitha. She is the Patron Saint of the Native Americans and the Environment. I modeled this icon from Brother Robert Lentz's rendering of her and tailored it to what I needed the thesis to be. In reflecting on this project, I've never written anything which was this busy and introducing the elements of the paper and transitioning proved to be a challenge. Knowing the instructor, I know it's an A paper. On the other hand, there is an element embedded or implied in this paper and I have been unable to flush out what exactly it is. For this reason I feel it is unfinished.
In any case, getting to research and analyze has been fun and I hope that that shows.




Aaron Conner
Professor Kristen Hren
English 961A
15 December 2015
Painting away the ego: an Icon case study of Kateri Tekakwitha
            Images have the power to point us to a reality which we cannot physically experience. They beg us for an emotional response on some level. We are surrounded by images. Be it in the news, advertising, or a viral picture in social media, images take our attention and lead us to a concept or thought which is intended to bring people together. Images capture a fleeting moment. While the event of an image may be engrained with the person who captured it for years to come, the image’s viewer might quickly forget it as society fills their newspapers and electronics with its next round of images. This is the problem with images: they capture the moment, but fail to capture the full extent of the reality which has taken place.  A religious image, however, is different from the ones we see in secular life. According to Peter Pearson, an Episcopal Priest and Iconographer, the word “icon” is the Greek word for “Image” and an Icon is an image of a person from Christian tradition or the Bible (Pearson 1). In his book, A Brush with God, Pearson writes that “icons aren’t meant to reflect our perceived reality…they are purposefully rendered in a structured way that communicates that things are very different from God’s perspective” ( 3). Icons are painted in a way which reflects God’s reality rather than our own. He goes on to say that, “our way of perceiving the universe can lull us into the illusion of self-importance. Icons contradict this view, challenging us to reconsider things we had previously taken for granted” (4). Icons challenge the status quo. In capturing an inexpressible truth, they call out our own individual egoistic tendencies by challenging us, as it is popularly said, to “be the change you want to see in the world.”
When we look at how our psychology affects the environment, one can see that being this change in the world involves looking at the relationship between human attitudes and behaviors and their effects on our planet. P. Wesley Schultz, Social Psychologist and Associate Professor at California State University San Marcos, has researched this relationship by surveying groups of people based upon their attitudes and behaviors toward the environment. In his studies, he concludes that people are concerned for the environment for either reasons of being egoistic; being concerned for reasons which are associated with the self; altruistic, being concerned for reasons which are associated with the wider community, and biospheric; being concerned for reasons which are associated with all living things (7). Our egoistic tendencies have produced a lot of damage in our world today and these damages are not limited to the problems found in society but are also found in the environment. These damages are particularly seen in the experience of the United Houma People. In their context of Native American spirituality, the Houma are particularly aware of the relationship between humans and their environment. Environmental egoism had its hand in the Deepwater Horizon Oil Spill in 2010 which threatened the existences of the Houma’s immediate way of life (Martin). But the disruption in the relationship between humans and their environment does not stop with the Houma. Schultz goes on to say that “the once localized damage that resulted from production and consumption has reached global proportions” (3). When plastic, for example, arguably the most produced and consumed material, finds its way into the ocean, the localized problem becomes a global  as the fish who consume this plastic end of up on someone’s dinner plate thousands of miles away. This is known a bio-magnification. But dinner is the least of our worries when we consider that world’s oxygen supply has the potential to diminish as this sea-bound plastic has the capacity to kill plankton; a situation which is worse than deforestation. This specific damage is known as the Pacific Garbage Patch (Humes 132, 110, 131). Truly, the damage displayed towards the environment and other fellow humans is egoism at its best. Rather than seeing the earth and its humans as one entity, Western thought has assumed a dualistic approach in how humans deal with their planet. Through egoism, the world has divided humans against everything else, in particular, the environment. This disorder causes environmental egoism: an attitude or behavior which causes damage to the environment through anthropocentric action or inaction. While one person may not be able to save the environment from utter ruin, one person is capable of inspiring others to take an altruistic or biospheric approach toward the environment and those that inhabit it: Saint Kateri Tekakwitha is one such person. In an Icon I painted of her, St. Kateri provides an opportunity for a viewer or venerator to question their own environmental attitudes and behaviors. When we use the narrative of St. Kateri and the experience of the United Houma People to counter the disorder of Western dualism, one can see that “Icon of St. Kateria Tekakwitha” challenges us to be aware of how egoism influences our perceived reality and helps enable us to embrace the absolute reality where humans engage in better treatment of our planet and each other.
St. Kateri embodies both the identities as a Catholic and Native American. Canonized as a Saint by the Roman Catholic Church in 2012, Kateri is both Patron Saint of Native Americans and Environmental Concerns. She is known as the “Lilly of the Mohawks (IBCA). She earns her patronage from her biospheric attitude toward the environment which naturally accompanies her Native American heritage. In writing for Social Science Journal, Dr. Thomas Hoffman writes that the world which Native Americans experience “is one in which all of creation and the powers of creation are related and interconnected. This is a world in which all beings are created to be treated with the respect due their sacred character” (Hoffman). The world, as experienced by St. Kateri and those who share her Native American heritage, is a balance of power between the created world and humans, and between humans and their fellow humans. The world and its humans are sacred and a balance of power is maintained when this relationship is respected. However, outside the Native American schema, the world has been desecrated by human activity. The United Houma People, many of whom are devotees of St. Kateri, know the consequences of when the balance of power between the world and humans is disrupted (Richard 14).  In 2010, the Deepwater Horrizon oil disaster threatened the Houma’s immediate way of life. When speaking about the implications of the land being damaged, Principle Chief Brenda Robichaux said, “The relationship between the Houma People and these lands is fundamental to our existence as an Indian nation. The medicines we use to prevent illnesses and heal our sick, the places our ancestors are laid to rest…our traditional stories and the language we speak are all tied to these lands inextricably” (qtd. in Rhoan 178). The Houma would not exist with their land being intact. The Houma’s relationship to their land is beyond special: it’s sacred. A disruption to their relationship with the land would incur a disruption in their spirituality. St. Kateri’s icon shows its viewer that there is another reality aside from the one experienced through environmental egoism.
Icons can be seen as a window fusing two realities on each side of the painting. This reality is made apparent through the structure and painting technique used by the iconographer. They are painted in a way where the viewer becomes the “vanishing point” rather than on the horizon. Rather than using light colors first then putting on dark shadows as in regular painting, iconographers start with darker colors first and then build gradual layers of lighter colors and highlights. This can be seen as symbolizing death and resurrection (Pearson 5). The icon of St. Kateri Tekakwitha is painted on a gessoed poplar board with acrylic paint. This icon is a variation which was originally painted by Iconographer and Franciscan Monk, Brother Robert Lentz (Lentz). Although in traditional iconography the use of color is more subtle, I chose bold earth tones to help her appear more environmentally biospheric. In my rendering of her, she is portrayed in a traditional Native American suede colored dress while wearing a green cape with the “recycle, reduce, reuse” emblem. A golden halo surrounds her head. Behind her is a blue sky with brown trees. St. Kateri holds in her hands the World Turtle. The turtle has a tree growing from its shell. The turtle’s shell is the Earth’s continents and seas. The tree appears to be dying and, when looked at closely, the BP Oil Spill and the Pacific Garbage Patch can be seen. St. Kateri is directly center of the painting, but my intention is to draw the viewer toward the World Turtle.
The Bureau of Catholic Indian Affairs (BCIA) offers an account of her life. Kateri was born in 1656 in what is now Auriesville, NY. Her mother, an Algonquin Christian who was raised among the French, married the Chief of the Mohawks. The era and time which Kateri was born into was “period of political and religious turmoil” (BCIA).  10 years earlier, Native Americans tortured and killed three Jesuit missionaries in retaliation for bringing “white man’s diseases” (BCIA). White man’s diseases like small pox were still prevalent and would claim the lives of Kateri’s family when she was 4 years old. Even though she survived, the disease left her face deformed and her eyesight was permanently impaired. Later in life, she was introduced to the Jesuit missionaries and decided to be baptized. The following year in 1677, due to dissentients from her relatives, Kateri fled to Canada and took shelter at the Jesuit Mission 10 miles away from Montreal. The BCIA goes on to say that while she was there, Kateri was known to attend Mass daily and frequently meditate before the Blessed Sacrament. Kateri was known to be someone special. The BCIA states that, “all who lived or served in the mission soon realized that Kateri's holiness was something rare. She existed only to love and praise God, to give thanks to him” (BCIA). Kateri was also known to preform person penances which included the practice of harming oneself, a practice which was common among native women at the Mission. In 1697, Kateri took a vow to remain a virgin for the rest of her life. Her health began to fail in 1680. On April 17, Kateri’s last words were “Jesus, I love you” (BCIA).  After her last breath, witnesses reported that her face, once scarred, was cleared and became radiant; the first of her many miracles. Soon after, the new devottees of Kateri were reporting that their prayers were being answered through her intercession. Her followers grew over the next 300 years to where the Church allowed for her canonization. Along with being honored for her commitment to the church, she is honored for being a teacher of “how to love and care for the world because it too is a gift from God almighty” (BCIA).  St. Kateri represents what it means to engage in the absolute reality of biospherism.
 The story of Kateri Tekawitha has several interpretations ranging from her biographers, who wrote her story in the style of a hagiography for their French magistrate, to her Native American devotees, who carry on her mission to unite all Native Americans (Koppedrayer 280, Holmes 87). K.I. Koppedrayer, Professor of Religion and Culture at Wilfred Laurier University, offers an overview of Kateri’s life as recorded by her Jesuit Confessors and places her story in the context of the New World which the Catholic Church helped create (279). The purpose of this hagiography, the story that makes a saint a saint, was to help the Native Americans become assimilated into the European culture which had come to them (Haigo, 296). Moreover, from this point of view, her story symbolizes what it means to be a Native American and Catholic as told by the Jesuits; a symbol of what it means to be assimilated into another culture. Elizabeth Holmes, a Cultural Anthropologist, on the other hand, offers up what she coins as a “counter-hagiography”, that is, “the ethnology of a saint”, the understanding of what it means to be a Saint from a folk perspective (88). Holmes contends that Kateri’s voice was silenced by the Jesuits; however, she is given a voice through the retelling of her story as told by her devotees. Before her canonization, devotees of Kateri would gather together at her request; Kateri’s “death words” were that all Native Americans should be gathered together as one tribe. When gathered, they would pray that her canonization would bring this unity. For her native devotees, she is a symbol of Native American Unity (93). Kateri is the embodiment of what it means to be a Native American Catholic according to Native Americans; she is the praying definition of pluralism. When her story is told by the Jesuits, Kateri represents success of the Church in the New World. When her story is told by Native Americans, she represents a symbol of unity. Koppedrayer and Holmes might disagree on what her story means, but they both agree on the fact that Jesuits wrote Kateri for political/social reasons. However, interpretations asides, the story of Kateri as told by the Jesuit missionaries is the story that is endorsed by the Catholic Church today.
Despite her reputation for holiness and chastity, Kateri is not without critics. Koppedrayer mentions a modern Mohawkian opponent who refers to her as a “prostitute” and a “leaking pot” (277). The concept of prostitution isn’t meant to be taken as literal, but rather figuratively. In this light, she was “married” to her Native American tradition and cheated on it with the European Catholics; she prostituted herself to the more powerful group in the social clash. By calling her a leaking pot, it is inferred that she leaked important Native American information and strategies to the French and further betrayed her people. It is easy to see how her change of cultural identity could lead someone to a sense of betrayal. By converting to Catholicism, she was seen as casting her Native heritage to the side. However, whether or not the historical Kateri was a double-crosser or a God-fearing saint is a moot point: the bi-tradition of Kateri, as told through iconography, offers a clear picture of what it means to be a saint by challenging the Western dualism which influences the environmental egoism experienced in our perceived reality.
There is a disorder in how Western dualism desecrates the environment. When comparing St. Kateri and the Native American approach to the environment to the environmental egoism seen in our world today, we see this disorder is the lurking variable behind environmental egoism. In Metaphysics of Modern Existence, Vine Deloria Jr. observes that there are five reasons for this disorder: Western religion encourages  humans to  be viewed as being superior to nature, competition is a byproduct of human evolution which doesn’t require humans to be cooperative, immediate experience isn’t valued in the grand scheme of history, the scientific method does not make room for qualitative information, while Western duality allows for modern technology to be created it also leads to a diminished spiritual life (qtd. in Hoffman). This disorder in Western thought reflects our perceived reality, but St. Kateri’s icon challenges us to follow Kateri’s example and engage in the absolute reality of biospherism.
Egoism influences our perceived reality when Western religion encourages the idea that humans are superior to nature. Through this reality, we see that environmental egoism is a byproduct of when the environment is treated as submissive to humanity. St.  Kateri’s icon challenges us to see the absolute reality: humans and the environment have been created equally. The relationship between humans and the environment is symbiotic. Human survival depends on the environment, the environment, in turn is meant to be cared for by humans. In their experience, the Houma are aware that this relationship between humans and their environment is complex and delicate. When the wetlands on the Coast of Louisiana were destroyed in order to dredge canals for the oil companies, the Houma lost part of their economy when salt water from the ocean killed the game that lived in fresh water (Martin). We also see how this relationship is delicate when we see the impact of damage done through the Pacific Garbage Patch and the process of bio-magnification. Kateri’s icon challenges us to be aware of this relationship by holding the World Turtle, a central figure in Mohawk creation mythology (ICS). The tree of the turtle is in bad shape. When looked at closely, one can see both the Pacific Garbage Patch and the Deep Horizon Oil Spill in the Gulf of Mexico. The world that Kateri holds isn’t the world she lived in, it’s the world today. It’s the world which has been affected by environmental egoism. When we begin to be aware of the complex relationship between humans and their environment, we can start to embrace the absolute reality that St. Kateri shows us. By accepting this challenge, we take on the role of Kateri by being biospheric toward the environment and each other.
Egoism influences our perceived reality through the competition, a byproduct of human evolution, which doesn’t require humans to be cooperative. Through this reality, we see that Environmental Egoism is a byproduct of when humans are not in cohorts with one another.  St. Kateri’s icon challenges us to see the absolute reality: humans were created equally and need to cooperation with each other. In her icon, this cooperation is between her image and the viewer. The interaction between St. Kateri and the World Turtle was purposefully painted to be ambiguous. St. Kateri’s cooperation with her fellow humans can be interpreted in one of two ways: humanity has become so environmentally egoistic to the point where the viewer of the icon is handing the World Turtle to Kateri, perhaps as a symbol of the viewer’s intercession for the environment to St. Kateri, or perhaps as a symbolic confession of sins committed against the environment, or, she is handing the Cosmic Turtle to the viewer, acknowledging that her patronage cannot carry the weight of  environmental egoism. Through her Native devotees, she is seen as a symbol of unity; when this unity is embraced, all are equal. Regardless of which interpretation the viewer feels, Kateri challenges us to cooperate with one another. When we cooperate with each other, we take on her role to be more biospheric toward the planet and each other.
Egoism influences our perceived reality when immediate experience isn’t valued in the grand scheme of history. Through this reality, we see that environmental egoism is a byproduct of when Western thought does not value immediate experience. More specifically, the concepts of past, present, future are seen as not as important. Kateri’s icon challenges us to see the absolute reality: the actions, or inactions, of humans on this planet will begin to affect the balance between humans and their environment immediately. This is due to the delicate relationship that people have with their environment. In her icon, St. Kateri is depicted with a green cape with the “recycle, reuse, reuse” emblem on it. St. Kateri is depicted as being biospheric as the viewer notices the emblem and correctly associated it with her patronage. The emblem evokes the viewer to ask how environmentalism egoism is caused when they do not take proper care of our resources. When waste isn’t handled properly due to environmental egoism, it becomes a problem which damages the planet immediately. Lurking problems like these produce damages such as the Pacific Garbage Patch. When proper protocols aren’t followed due to immediate cost-benefit analysis and fluids aren’t treated properly, millions of gallons of oil can be spilled into the ocean (Safina). Environmental egoism is partly caused by not including the ramifications of present actions into the moment of the action. In noticing the emblem, the viewer is challenged to question their recycling habits and see the immediate effects of how their behaviors damage the balance between humans and their environment. When we are aware of the immediate effects of our actions on the environment we will naturally take care of one another by protecting its resources and providing a world for future humans. 
Egoism influences our perceived reality when the scientific method does not make room for qualitative information. Environmental Egoism is a byproduct of this reality when qualitative information is not a part of Western thought, especially when it comes to technological developments (Hoffman). This is to say that Western thought relies on quantitative information, that is, numbers, specifically, money. St. Kateri’s icon challenges us to see the absolute reality: qualitative information has to be used when making scientific related decisions regarding the environment. The Houma know too well that when information isn’t taken qualitatively then the balance between humans and their environment will suffer damage. For example, according to Mark Davis, director of the Tulane Institute on Water Resources Law and Policy, the oil companies had a very strong hand in the destruction of the Louisiana wetlands (qtd. in Lyndersen). Had the industry thought about the qualitative information of the Houma people being intrinsically tied to the wetlands, and had made an effort to be cooperative, then a reasonable solution could have been made for both parties.  St. Kateri’s icon shows the World Turtles suffers damage due to qualitative information not being included in scientific processes. The experience of the Houma shows that environmental egoism can be used to manipulate the environment at the expense of other humans. Using qualitative information, in specific regards to the environment, will lead to a biosphereic approach to the environment and to other humans.
Egoism influences our perceived reality when Western duality allows for the spiritual life to be diminished through the use of modern technology. Environmental egoism is a byproduct of when we concentrate too much on the use of technology in this perceived reality rather than the absolute reality of the created world. Kateri’s icon challenges us to see the absolute reality: for one to enhance the quality of their spiritual life they must do so without relying on the use of technology. Hoffman writes that humans are separated from their natural environment because they inhabit so much of their built environment, and that through this separation the there is a loss of spirituality in the Western world (Hoffman). The existence of the Houma today is built on this concept; they are connected to their natural environment and, due to its desecration, stress has been caused in their spirituality. Technology can foster egoism which deters us from engaging in a spiritual life.  In her icon, Kateri is rendered with a golden halo symbolizing her status as a saint. In her life, St. Kateri was known to enhance her spiritual life through Christian sacraments and meditation. Even today, the cloistered life is one of little technological influence. Although she was not a nun, those who would try to follow the example of holiness set by St. Kateri would be less likely to be of heavy reliance on technology if they could absolutely help it. St. Kateri’s icon depicts her in her time, in a forest, wearing typical Native American dress, in a natural environment. When we shift our concentration from technology to creation, then we will become more biospheric in our approach to the environment and to each other. This challenge is best summary of Native American Spirituality.
Saints are meant to inspire and give us courage, but sometimes they can be intimidating to those of us who don’t seem able to overcome our own egoistic tendencies. Aside from being a saint, the basic story of her life provides meaning which can be related to. In Can Psychology help save the world? A Model for Conservation Psychology, Dr. Amara Clayton and Dr. Susan Brook write that social psychology can help the environment by noticing how social and physical environments form a person’s context, how their past experiences form and influence this context, and how this context is formed and influenced by a person’s fundamental motivations of needing to sense belonging, control, and a positive self-image (90). Kateri’s context is formed in her Native American heritage and in her experience with the Jesuits, both being collective cultures. Her Native American Heritage also implies a sacred relationship with the natural environment, while her religious experience with the Jesuits seems to represent that sacredness which she found in the build environment of Roman Catholicism. In her past, she would have been raised to be bioshperic in her approach to the environment. Being disfigured and of poor eyesight, and no immediate kin, she might have felt like an outsider in her community; thus, her fundamental motives may have forced her to take her spirituality and find solace in the new religion brought to her by the French.  Many people can relate to the loss of family, severe illness, and the need to move to a location for the sake of spirituality. But, despite the fact that she can be related to, Kateri remains partly an enigma; Kateri cannot be separated from the environment due to her Native American heritage and she cannot be separated from the Judeo-Christian God due to her status as a saint. The faith she adopted is partly responsible for forming the disorder found in Western dualism today. Thus, we are presented with a paradox: the paint of an icon fuses together two realities, perceived and absolute, egoism and bioshperism, but the absolute reality of the icon challenges us to reconcile this duality by being more biospheric toward all things which inhabit the planet. Just as her devotees reclaim her voice, St. Kateri, in her icon, reclaims Western religion by seeing all of creation holistically sacred and challenging us to do the same. The world is in a damaged state and St. Kateri as both a Native American and a Christian doesn’t just ask us “why?” She tells to act. By allowing Kateri to challenge the egoistic tendencies of our world, we can begin to take responsibility and restore our relationship with our world and with those who live in it. St. Kateri’s icon points to another reality, but it is our responsibility to make that reality happen.
















Works Cited
Bureau of Catholic Indian Affairs. “St. Kateri Tekakwitha: Mohawk, Mystic, and Model for the New Evangelization.” Washington, D.C.: USCCB, n.d. PDF File.
Clayton, Susan, and Amara Brook. "Can Psychology Help Save The World? A Model For Conservation Psychology." Analyses Of Social Issues & Public Policy 5.1 (2005): 87-102. Academic Search Premier. Web. 14 Oct. 2015.
"Hagiography" Def. 1. Merriam Webster Online, Merriam Webster, n.d. Web. 10 Dec. 2015.
Hoffman, Thomas J. “Moving beyond dualism: A dialogue with Western European and American Indian views of spirituality.” Social Science Journal 34.3 (1997):n. pag. Web. 8 Oct. 2015.
Holmes, Paula Elizabeth. “Narrative Repatriation of Blessed Kateri.” Anthropologica. 43.1 (2001):87-103. Web. 18 Oct. 2015.
The Holy Bible Revised Standard Version Second Catholic Edition. San Francisco: Ignatius Press. 2002.
“Iroquois Creation Story.”  Williams Computer Science. Williams College. N. d. Web. 6 Dec. 2015
Koppedrayer, K.I. "The Making Of The First Iroquois Virgin: Early Jesuit Biographies Of The Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha." Ethnohistory 40.2 (1993): 277. Academic Search Premier. Web. 18 Oct. 2015.
Lentz, Robert. St. Kateri Tekakwitha of the Iroquois. N.d. Trinity Stores. Web. 8 Oct. 2015.
Michel, Martin. "Native American Group Hit Hard By Oil Spill." Tell Me More (NPR) (n.d.): Newspaper. Source Plus. Web. 28 Sept. 2015.
Pearson, Peter. A brush with God: an icon workbook. Harrisburg: Morehouse, 2005. Print.
Richard, Molly, "A Study of the Relationship Between Blessed Kateri Tekakwitha and the United Houma Nation.” Honors Theses. U of Missisipi. 2012. PDF.
Rhoan, Erick. “The rightful position: The BP Oil Spill and Gulf Coast Tribes.” San Joaquin Agricultural Law Review. 20.1 (2011):174-192. Web. 8 Oct. 2015.
Safina, Carl. "The 2010 Gulf Of Mexico Oil Well Blowout: A Little Hindsight." Plos Biology 9.4 (2011): e1001049. MEDLINE. Web. 2 Oct. 2015.
Shultz, P. “Environmental Attitudes and Behaviors Across Cultures”. Online Readings in              Psychology and Culture 8.1 (2002): 3-12. Scholarworks. Web. 19 Aug. 2015.

Thursday, August 27, 2015

Life in San Francisco

The streets of the Tender-Nob tonight are swarmed with tourists, late night groceries shoppers, and the general crazy that makes up what is San Francisco. Taking a break from my homework take  a few minutes to look out the window and people watch out the window from the Mezzanine Floor of the City Center Hostel on the corner of Ellis and Larkin. I wonder about the lives of those who are passing on the streets. How long have they been here? Are they on a European Holiday? What do they do to make it in this City? I wonder about their story in order to escape mine at the moment but realize that if I don't recap my story these past three weeks in some sort of medium I might just snap and become apart of the population that makes up the homeless/crazy demographic (No joke, I'm starting to contemplate the correlation of these variables in this city considering that housing is the worst it has been according to locals).

I moved up here three weeks ago. The deposit to my apartment was made months ago. I move up only to find out that I can't move in because we are still waiting for the Certificate of Occupancy. The owner of the apartment says he will pick it up when it ready. Time passes, no word. A relative of my subletting landlord goes by the apartment to check on it to find that someone has freshly moved in. Three weeks have passed since I've moved up here. All I know as of now is that owner of the apartment (a women-the executor of her parents estate) was flying from Hawaii to San Francisco to fix her brother's (the guy my landlord and I have been dealing with) legal mistake. No word since last week on what's going on. In the meantime, I'm living out of my bag from Oakland to Pittsburg, from the Downtown Hostel to the Inner Richmond District, and now here.

This weekend I will head back to Pittsburg to stay with my friends Kat and Andrew (Bakersfield friends from the good ol' Grace Episcopal days). Then after that? I have no fucking clue.

I had major study plans today in the morning and this evening, but when I woke up I couldn't bring myself get it together. I traversed up Larkin to Grace Cathedral where I lit a unde the giant Spanish crucifix, and just let God have it (mind you, not that God needed to be reminded of my plight, but more for my own spiritual/mental health). I made observation that despite these three weeks I still have this slight hope inside and I'm losing at holding on to it. I lost it. I cried. I picked myself up. Walked the labrynth, attended Noon Eucharist, then made my way back to get ready for class.

I finished my English assignments, I can't bring myself to finish my Prep/Stats homework. Luckily, its actually due tomorrow at Midnight.

Last year my joke I was telling everyone something along the lines of, If I can make it Europe for a month on $1000 then moving and living in San Francisco should be a easy as Pachbel's Cannon. Little did I know that my backpacking skills would actually come in handy. Living out of a bag, being resourceful with food money, and doing my best to evaluate the smartness of where I'm staying. The obvious difference being I was going home at some point. I am home now. Well, "home."

Don't get me wrong. On the flip side of things I love this city. I love that there is music almost everywhere I go. The top of every hill is a vantage point (I'm pretty sure I can see Berkley from the College). And, well...I can tell when I'm getting checked out. Rephrase. I'm getting checked out, period (no, really, its never happened before). I love my classes, instructors, material, and that we are talking about thingswhich  faculty at Bakersfield College would have never discussed in class. I love how the churches up here offer so much in ministry and variety in worship. I am home. I just wish I were settled.

This weekend I plan on doing some major catch up in my classes. The plan is to solidify what I've learned and get at least two class meetings ahead in readings and assignments. Getting ahead is the name of the game because at this point I've got to start thinking about being proactive about what I'm actually going to do in the meantime. I need to look into the probability transfering my Edwards job up here, or see if my old boss can take me on in her store in San Leandro. I need to see if I can borrow a grand or so and see if that can get me by in housing for a month until my student loans are approved. In theory, you would think I would know whats going on with this apartment a month from now and can plan from there. I just need to get a plan rolling and find a place to temporarily (longer than my usual 5 days per place so far...) get settled.

I've always said that I believed that while God's presence is always fully present in our lives, God's presence is most felt when we are at our most vulnerable. I affirmed this Europe, and I'm doing my best to affirm it now. I'm not going to lie, I've felt like my prayers have been going straight to voice mail on this.  I guess my other task this weekend is to try and find how to hold on to that small sliver of hope that I have.

I'm homeless, I've been accosted by a crazy man. Now, all I need is for my bike to get stollen and I think I can pass as a true local.

Tuesday, November 11, 2014

Canterury Tales: Reflection #2


You shall treat the stranger who sojourns with you as the native among you, and you shall love him as yourself, for you were strangers in the land of Egypt: I am the Lord your God.
-Levitcus 19:34

I arrived in Canterbury greeted by the heavy rain at 5am Friday morning. The bus from Paris departed at 11pm and included a ferry ride into Dover (if you know me then you know how freakin exciting that was). First stop and first one off the bus, it was Paris all over again: I had no idea where I was or where I was going. Luckily the Youth Hostel wasn't too far up the rode. I arrived and sat for an hour in the rain under my umbrella (the picture was straight out of a movie...) until a staff person let me in the warm up. After I checked in, I crashed till the afternoon.

Now, mind you, I was supposed to be in Taize and had gotten to Canterbury three days early. The week earlier, Mark (my current CouchSurfing Host) sent me a message seeing I was going to be in Canterbury and said I could stay with him. Knowing this was a possibility I only booked one night at the Hostel. So I basically spent the day doing laundry and getting organized. Mark and I got intouch with eachother and I've been staying in his flat since Saturday night.

Mark is an Anglican priest here in Canterbury. He is the Priest-in-Charge for three different churches. In Canterbury, there is pretty much an Anglican church every few blocks not including the Cathedral. So, he keeps pretty busy. Despite this, he and I did go see a community production of "Bernarda Alba" and enjoyed good conversation just tonight. Mark is also gay so as far as personal stories and the church goes we could relate to eachother. He's got a really, really, great flat. I've had a room and bed to myself right in the center of the City Centre. He also gave me a key to his place!

Canterbury was originally a two day stop, but I'm glad I've spent the five days here. Walking the grounds of St. Augustine's Abbey was amzaing, if just for the fact that an audio tour was included in the admission. Canterbury Cathedral was all that I imagined it would be. When Henry VIII abolished the monastaries and overly Catholic buildings in England, the Abbey was destroyed. However, since the Cathedral was the established Seat of the Archbishop of Canterbury it was spared. I think the best prize in Canterbury though is St. Martin's. A section of it's wall dates back to the forth century being built by the Romans. It was here that St. Augustine and his men set up there base with the permission of the King and made efforts to re-evangelize Britain. Without a doubt this is the epicenter of where Anglicanism started. Other highlights include seeing Canterbury Castle which was built by the Normans, the Royal Museum, and the Masonic Museum.

Canterbury has definitley been an expected highlight of this trip so far. Just being in the center of where it all started has been just amazing. Canterbury is very small and is very walkable. It's picturesque with its ancient streets and buildings from the 1500s. It's freaking adorbale, really.

Once again God watched out for me. I got to Canterbury earlier than explected and had a place to stay, and when my CouchSurfing host for Monday through Wednesday never fell threw in contacting me I was able to stay with Mark. So I write this on my last night in this town. Mind you, I've caught a bit of a head cold and I spent most of the day doing laundry and preparing to leave tomorrow and just resting in general. It's two weeks since I left the States. This is the longest I've ever been from home and to be honest I am starting to feel a bit homesick. Granted, Canterbury runs at a much slower pace than frantic Paris allowing me to have mor time to process my thoughts and let my mind wanter. I've grown attached to this place, really. And just like when I left Paris I now have this anxiety of leaving for London in the morning starting over in a new place. My pilgrimage in Canterbury is coming to an end and I resume the trip tomorrow. But like the Canon told me at my Pilgrimage blessing today, the Pilgrimage onward both back home and to that Heavenly country have also began.

Things of Interest
-This past Rememberance Sunday I went to St. Mildred's (the Anglo-Catholic parish in Canterbury). The numbers were low as most people went to the Cathedral for this sort of Holiday. Mark remarked that most people seem to be more loyal to the Cathedral than there home congregation in that regard
-Archbishop Justin Welby was just in the area a few days before I got here.
-I was taking a break by the Castle wall when a peice of flint stone broke off when I sat by it. Coolest souvenier ever.

Monday, November 10, 2014

An American in Paris: Reflection #1

Well, I had intended to do this every few days. But, time flies. Right?
So allow me to recap Paris and since tomorrow is my last day in Canterbury I'll probably do another summary.

I arrived in Paris the Wednesday before last. After my connecting flight from Dublin I was instructed that my best bet to get to where I was going was just to take the airport tram to Gare du Nord Now, no one told me that Gare du Nord is the biggest train station in Europe...so once I got there I was stuck staring at a map tryin to figure out where exactly I was and how I was going to get to where I needed to go with a thousand people walking around me. Luckily, an israeli man came to my refuge. Though I was scared at first (you know...never talk to strangers) my gut instinct said the guy was trying to be helpful. He showed me how to purchase fare and which stop I should get off on (later did I find that I could have gotten off a few stops later, oh well). In the best French and improve sign language I could muster I pointed the directions on my phone to a bystander and asked for help. Having got good direction I walked to my hostel an hour later, booked my bed and then passed out.

I remained in Le D'Artagnan for five nights. During my stay here I saw Pere Lachaise, the super huge cementary with folks like Oscar Wilde, Bizet, Chopin, Morrison..), the Eiffle Tower, Notre Damn, Sainte Chappelle, and the Louvres. Now, I stayed an extra night at this hostel because over the weekend I had a dental emergency (I didn't post anything about it on Facebook because I didn't want to make a scene and distract from all the cool stuff I was doing). I cracked a tooth, and my better judgement said to stay in Paris and have it looked at, which meant skipping my trip to Taize because I knew this could get costly).

Saturday night when the crack happened, I was mostly freaking out. Pain, in another country, no insurrance. Where would I find a dentist? So i actually called my travel insurance and they made some calls and got some referrals. In the meantime, I was praying oh so hard. I barely slept that night. At this point the pain wasn't as bad as my overall demenor was. In the morning I went to the serivce at the American Cathedral. I went feeling oh so vulnerable in not knowing what to do. After serice I was talking to a man named Jeb and explained my situation, and what happened next was a God send: he referred me to his American dentist. I left the Cathedral over joyed knowing that I had a plan. The next day I saw the dentist. He took x-rays and turns out I need a root canal and a crown (joy...). I'm still on antibiotics, but there is just no way I'm going to be able to pull off that surgey while I'm here, so I'm chancing it till I get home. I have the x-rays with me just in case something does happen.

So having the "dent" in my Euro's and turned to CouchSurfing. I posted in the emergency group for Paris and got a response from a woman named Marie, who was from the South of France, and worked as an interior designer. She lived in a very small flat near the Eiffle Tower. My first night with her I went to a CouchSurfing party with her friends. While I was staying with Marie I actually went in and spent the day at the Louvres, and bought my bus ticket to Canterbury. She and drank tea and talked about life and travels. I loved hearing about growing up in South France in the Basque Country. She, a good Catholic, like hearing my rants about the church in America. She also was very interested and supportive of gays serving and being involved in the church. Apparently in France its still frowned upon to talk about religion with people you don't know too well, so she welcomed the opprotunity as it never comes by for her. On my last night she treated me well and cooked me a basque dish called Perserved Duck, and it was so freaking delishious.  We had a conversation about how Muslims were changing how they interacted with wider society, but it was cut short as I had to get to the bus station to get to Canterbury.  She is a wonderful person and I would love to stay with her or even host her someday.

A few things about Paris:
-The street signs arn't on poles like back home. You have to look at the buildings that are on corners, and they displayed there (most of the time....)
-Every single street starts with "Rue", very confusing when looking at a map
-The currency (this goes for the rest of Europe). One and Two Euro/Pound coins. The hell? I have a make ship coin purse to carry all this change. How do people do it?
-Don't stand and smoke, 5 people will stop and ask you for a cig.
-The Metro is absolutley amazing. Hands down. Easy to navigate and you can get everywhere you need to go within half an hour.
-Almost everyone speaks English to some degree.
-Everyone I met was super friendly! It really defeated the American steriotype that the French are rude (Granted, most people I got to talk to and know where not from Paris, and most of the friends I made were at a Bear Bar).
-French Law states that there must be one Pharmacy for every 500 people in each city. Paris literally has on every other corner.

Besides Maire I made friends with a guy from Northern Austrailia. Poor guy, he stood out pretty bad in his cut off heans, flip-flops, hoodie, towering over everyone at 6'5. He and I had some pretty good laughs over European culture.  He was in Paris waiting for his girlfriend who had just decided to travel for a month and told him to meet him there (too cool).

Highlights: eating fresh crepes and baugettes off the street, sitting in for a serive on All Saints in Notre Damn, hearing the choir at the American Cathedral for All Souls Day.

Paris taught me quite a bit about letting go and reaffirmed my belief/experiance that God is very present in the most vulnerable of situations. Its easier said than done to "let go and let God" but watching God take care of me from my dental emergency to getting  a place to stay to save money has thus far been incredible.

Saturday, July 19, 2014

Sermon for the Feast of Mary Magdalene.


As per usual in my congregation, there are monthly "Pentecost Preacher's" during the summer months which follow Pentecost. I was asked to preach last month, but the days leading up I caught a fever and wasn't able to finish the sermon. So, I traded with my Priest, and seeing that Mary Magdalene was remembered this week I asked to transfer her Feast Day. I'll admit that I finished this cutting close to the 11th hour. My laptop is down and I've been writing this in my head the past week, finally getting down to the church to get it all on paper.  So luckily it wrote itself. That being said, forgive me my grammatical sins. Comma-splices are too ignorable when punching out at the last minute. Whats been fun about this sermon wasn't the writing, but the speaking. There are so many opportunities to voice act considering the range of emotions in this text. As always, honest feedback is truly appreciated.



Aaron Conner
July 20, 2014
Feast Day of Saint Mary Magdalene (Transferred from July 22)
St. Paul's Episcopal Church-Bakersfield, CA
Judith 9:1,11-14
2 Corinthians 5:14-18
John 20:11-18
Psalm 42:1-7
The Collect
Almighty God, whose blessed Son restored Mary Magdalene to health of body and of mind, and called her to be a witness of his resurrection: Mercifully grant that by your grace we may be healed from all our infirmities and know you in the power of his unending life; who with you and the Holy Spirit lives and reigns, one God, now and for ever. Amen.

May the words of my mouth and the mediations of our hearts be acceptable in your sight, O Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. Amen.
What is a saint? According to Roman Catholics, narrowly speaking, a saint is popularly a person whom through God has lived in extraordinary virtue, and by signs and miracles associated with them, we know that they have bypassed purgatory and have gone straight to heaven. According to Protestants, a saint is a person whom has believed in the message of the Gospel and has undergone Sanctification to live a Godly and righteous life. What about Episcopalians? The answer is easy: Someone who provides both the wine and the cork screw.
I love the Saints. When looking at the lives of those whom professed the faith of Christ we can find so many wild stories, so many sad stories, and much more inspiration. The problem with the Saints, however, is that they can potential turn into revered and popular celebrities. Not that the Saints shouldn’t be revered or be popular, but that we make them into that which we what we want to see. We say to ourselves, I want to be just like THAT, or maybe, thank God I’m not like that, instead of allowing God to use us to be perfectly ourselves. Looking at the Saints can be like looking at the ecclesiastical version of People magazine; we have stories and pictures and keep up with what went on in their lives. We have a snapshot Peter, the rock; the one whom Christ said he would build the church. We have a snapshot of Thomas, the doubter; whom we see touching the holes in Jesus’ hands.  We have a snapshot of St Mary the Virgin, in the scene of Annunciation, pondering those things in her heart. Sadly, in celebrity culture we also have to deal with the dreaded tabloids, and the paparazzi has been following and photo shopping Mary Magdalene, whose feast we celebrate today, for years. The Catholic tabloids, have called her the prostitute. The Dan Brown tabloids will call her the secret wife of Jesus who lost community power to Peter and moved to France where she raised the child whom Jesus fathered.  Personally, these conjectures alone make me think that Mary Magdalene is one of the most interesting women in the world. But setting these aside, let’s take a quick look at what history has done to Mary before we get to know the real her.
It was Pope Gregory in the 4th century who preached a sermon which identified Mary Magdalene with the “sinner “who anointed the feet of Jesus in Luke, and  Mary of Bethany who was the sister of Lazarus and Martha. It was in this association that Mary was known as the “penitent”, the full force harlot who was changed by Jesus to the point where seeing his death as a sacred death, anointed his body with ointment in grief even before Jesus dies. The reputation stuck. Several theologians in the middle ages tried to do Mary justice, but the effort was put to a stop as the Protestant Reformation gained attention and traction. In art we see Mary partly clothed, pondering her repentance with a cross in the background. It wasn’t until 1969 when the Vatican revised its calendar, making a note that on July 22 Mary Magdalene should only be associated with the resurrection of Christ, separating the Mary’s into their rightful historical persons. There is no evidence that Mary Magdalene was a prostitute.
In fact, we know very little about Mary. Mary is mentioned in Luke as being one of several women who supported Jesus’ ministry out of their own funds. So we know Mary had money.  She is also mentioned as having seven demons whom Jesus has cast out, but the author provides no detail.  Mark confirms this account as well. Her name “Magdalene” suggests that she was from the town of Magdala, a town not far from Capernaum.  Given her name being a derivative of the Hebrew name “Miriam”, she was most likely Jewish. The Gospels cite her as being the one who was present at the Crucifixion and the Resurrection. She was definitely a follower and in the inner circle of Jesus disciples.
Today’s Gospel reading from John 20 actually picks up in the middle of the narrative. Backing up to the beginning of the chapter we have Mary who is coming to the tomb while it’s still dark early in the morning. She is coming to anoint the body of Jesus as was costumed. She finds the stone which concealed the tomb has been rolled away and the body is not there. She runs to Peter and John and tell them what happened and they run back to the scene. Peter gets their first but doesn’t go in the tomb, as probably not to defile himself as unclean on the Sabbath Passover. John catches up and just doesn’t care and goes into the tomb. Peter follows. They see the bandages which were wrapped around his body, and the bandages which wrapped his head were wrapped in a ball on the side. They saw and believed, and returned home. Here, our part of the story picks up. Mary did not return home. She peers down one more time into the tomb and sees the angles who ask her, “Why are you crying, who are you looking for?” She replies that they have taken away her Lord and that she does not know where he is resting. Then Jesus comes from behind and asks the question from the angels, “Why are you crying, who are you looking for?” Not recognizing him and thinking him to be the gardener she says, “If you know where he is please stop this torment and take me to him so that I may carry him to rest.” And the moment happens. Where he calls her by name, and she recognizes him. She runs back to Peter and John and tells them “I have seen the Lord”!
This is the celebrity snapshot of Mary. Not the penitent prostitute, not even the woman at the Crucifixion or weeping by the tomb. This is the Mary who has seen the Lord. Even after his death, Mary never stopped looking for Jesus. When others left the Cross, when others left the tomb; she remained. She loved and served Jesus in her life by supporting him with her own means. When Jesus was left to die, she was the one who was there, fulfilling the call of Christ to serve to the “least of these”.
Forgive my conjuncture, but I don’t think the writer of John did her full justice. I can see her going from Peter and John, to Martha and Lazarus, to Luke and Mark and Matthew, to the whole community of disciples shouting at the top of her lungs “He’s alive! It’s just as he said it would be! I’ve seen him! Come, come and see the tomb where he was laid to rest! He’s not there!”
Mary was persistent and her example should inspire us to also persist. How often do we look for God? We expect God to be in one place and at one time. When God isn’t there, we go into our own dark tombs to sigh and confirm and then carry on with our emotional and spiritual baggage. When we persist, when we wait by that tomb we can be assured that God will show up just as God promised. God will call us by name and we will see him in something we never recognized before. May we who with Mary share in the witness of the Resurrection never cease to seek it and find it and recognize it for the greater glory of God in the communion of ALL God’s saints. Amen.