The problem with my day job is that half the time I am working at night, and often such nights result in me getting home at around 3am. And every now and then, it is impossible to sleep. So, instead of falling asleep and sleeping till noon, I am going about my day with high hopes of making it till noon.
The oddly nice thing about days like this is that I have more time to myself than usual. Thus, I find myself sipping my triple grande caramel macchiato and nibbling on my cheese danish at Starbucks writing this blog. TGIF.
After I made the realization that sleep was not in my cards, I showered up and and took my Bible and Prayer Book outside in the cool twilight to pray and read the Morning Office. At some point during the service, I realized how much prayer has assumed a new (perhaps, renewed) role in my life.
As of fairly recently, I have decided instead of fighting against forced singleness, I would win the fight by choosing it willingly. It was like being on an extended fishing trip, a really bad one, where my line was constantly out, bait was changed every now and then. The line had a few nibbles here and there, and I even made a few catches where either I tossed the catch back, or the fish just jumped back in the water. In reeling this line back in, things have come up with this line that I weren't aware were there; leaving me with junk I'm not sure what to do with.
St. Paul tells us to "pray without ceasing". For century's Eastern monks have taken this to heart, literally. The common Orthodox "Jesus Prayer" (Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner" is typically prayed at least 100 times before the monk falls asleep after the Great Compline. The intention here is to pray without ceasing, even during sleep. The monk tries to live their life in such a way that they learn to pray without ceasing at all times. By doing so, they attempt, and surely in some cases; do, leave leave profane completely and live in the sacred.
Easier said than done. Of course though in monastic setting it is much easy when the secular world is left behind and distractions are minimal. But what about the rest of us? Some are indeed called to live such a life, but what does this mean for person who pursues the reality of God, but must live in the world which is wholly other?
We have many outlets, channels, for expression. Expression is a gift. Expression is almost sacramental in how when we put ourselves in something physical, we experience the Grace of God on our most inner parts. Music, art, building, running, writing...all expressions, all gifts. Prayer, however is an expression where we cannot attribute something that "we did" by our own merit. Prayer places the merit entirely on God.
Prayer has allowed the space to do something with all that junk. In adjusting to a life where I am aware of being single by my own choosing, I have caught myself acting in ways where I compensate for what I have let go of. Listening and playing to music helps. As does things like this blog. But it is in prayer that I am able to let all that crap bubble out into one spot, and let it be dealt with in a healthy expression.
As of now, I am not receiving the call to monasticism. Until then, or until I die, or until the restoration of God's Kingdom, I along with the majority of humanity must live in this dichotomy of Sacred and the constantly complicated and inconsistent Profane. What makes it doable? Realizing that there is absolutely nothing than can be done about it, that it cannot be changed in my own merit, but only in prayer.
And now, join me in praying that the sacred manifests itself in the caffeine I have consumed.
2 comments:
Well said.
I really like this... prayer has been a big issue for me recently. I've been trying to do a morning and evening prayer as well as say the Rosary regularly. I haven't been very successful. Like you said, it's difficult when you have 'stuff' to do.
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